I'm Just Tired

No pics today. Not even a true blog entry, really. As the title above says, I'm tired.

I'm unemployed, overweight, have a knee injury that I can't afford to fix and don't have the time to fix because I live alone and need to look for work, and I'm unmarried.

I'm not whining. Just the facts.

I'm also the only son of a mother who calls me twice a day EVERY DAY. She calls me when she knows I'm asleep to "log the call" and in doing so inform me that she wants me to call her. If I don't answer when she calls, she performs an audit of my whereabouts when I do call. I'm 32 and pathetic, yes. But none of that is relevant when she starts crying.

We basically talk about the same things: my weight problem, my injury, whether any of our relatives called me, what my relatives and I talked about, whether I revealed any of her self-concocted "family secrets" to my relatives, and my weight problem again. She just nags me. Usually I can handle it. After about 19-21 days of 2 calls a day, though, I generally lose it and start screaming. She apologizes profusely and after a day of radio silence she calls me again and avoids the topics for about 2-3 days before the cycle repeats itself.

I'm unemployed and living on a tight budget. But I have a decent food budget because after she calls I get really depressed. And when I get sad and depressed, I eat lots of junk food. I eat to feel happier, relatively. Then she calls and depresses me with her nagging. So I go eat some more. And I'm a little happier.

But you know what makes me really happier? Seeing my double-chin recede and my pants feel a little more comfortable. And that happens when I cut down on the buffets and the drive-thru. And not eating a lot at night before sleep. Walking more and doing 30-45 minutes of simple exercises that don't stress my knees. And I don't want to jinx it. Why make a mountain of a proverbial ant-hill's worth of progress? One pizza here or there and I could be back at square one, and then I really wouldn't hear the end of it.

In spite of my less-than-zero circumstances right now, my mom is ever the match-maker and has been after me to call this girl who's a family friend. There is nothing wrong with the girl, for the record. But she is so way out of my league it's not funny. But I called her every other week or so for the past few months. Polite conversation. I elicit a laugh from her here or there. But it's blatantly obvious that she's not into me. And frankly, I have so many problems of my own right now that could not invest the time or money to pursue any further courtship let alone maintain a long distance relationship. I've seen people IN a relationship lose it all when one has to move far away. What chance do 2 strangers who aren't even looking to get together have?

Wanna know how I know she's not into me? She never calls me back when I leave a message and she never returns my email, even when I ask her to. No problem at all.

But these aspects of modern communication and relationships escape my mom, who just nags me about calling her more and debriefing me on what we talked about. Call more often? I'm not a stalker and I'm not a fool. Then she nags me about losing weight and begins her rundown of the latest weight-loss tips she's heard. Then she nags me about how I should call my relatives more and email them more and wants a transcript of any and all communications. That's about when I lose it.

Fortunately, she never nags me about my job search. She is more than aware that I am a very good design engineer. She's seen my paychecks. She's seen where I work(ed). And she watches the news enough to know about how the war and the economy are really doing a number on the aerospace industry.

Right about now most you might be thinking that there's nothing wrong with a mom checking up on her son. But EVERY DAY and TWICE A DAY?!! It's been like this for the past YEAR! You've got to experience it before judging me.

I get so upset after the phone calls. I start breathing a little heavy and sometimes I get a lump in my throat. And then I go out and get some junk food. Or I eat vast quantities of what food I have at home. More so than what I intended to eat per meal. Then I just sit around and stare at nothing . I usually turn on the TV to take my mind off it, but it takes a while. All that time I could be looking for work or following up with recruiters. Or I could be exercising. Or getting coffee with a friend. Or go for a walk. But I can't. All I can do is sit there. At night after one of her calls, I used to order a big pizza or Chinese delivery comprising a large lo mein and a large General Tso's chicken. On a good night when she doesn't nag me (2-3 times a month) and we end the call amiably maybe not.

I don't even feel like typing anymore, but this blog is one of the things at night I'm trying to use to take my mind of of the phone calls. That and I've taken up reading at night more regularly. I need to break the cycle somehow in this way because she won't stop calling me. And any attempt I've made at making her NOT talk about the things she nags me about have been effective for 3-4 days at best. Theories of positive reinforcement and extinguishing bad behavior in a behavioral modification setting are worthless if the subject has a bad memory and has honed her nagging skills into instinctively natural behavior over the course of my lifetime.

I have to do something to break the cycle that's in my control, because I don't want to die young. I'm not that good.